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Cool Quotes

Latest additions in yellow. Only the best quotes make the cut.

Bloops and quotes from Pop Up Video Millionaire here.

On the Grammys:

-- I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay. Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001.

-- Do you guys think they work out? On Destiny's Child, Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001.

-- I feel your scorn and I accept it. Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001.

-- I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks. On downloading music from Napster, Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001.

-- 'Cause we all know D flat would suck. On Mark Andre Kremlin's performance of Chopin's Etude in C Major, Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001.

-- I thought those two guys really vibed on each other. They seem to have a very respectful relationship. It felt really sincere. "I respect you, you respect me." And I'm not usually a big fan of sincerity. On eminem and Elton John at the Grammys, EW.com, Feb. 2001.

-- Q: When did you learn you'd be hosting the big show?
A: What time is it? The thing is, I hadn't checked my messages. And there must have been something wrong with my e-mail. When I clicked on AOL, it said, "You've Got No Time to Rehearse." They actually approached me for the first time two/three weeks ago, but they had two other people that had to say "no" first. L.A. Times, Feb. 2001.

-- Q: Any idea who those [other possible hosts] were?
A: I'm assuming it was the usual people that you would go to. Once Whoopi got ill, I imagine the first call went out to Mr. T. and from there the rest of the "A-Team." Then they went to the CBS family, but [Angela] Lansbury, I'm sure, said, "After what happened with 'Murder, She Wrote,' I'm out." L.A. Times, Feb. 2001.

-- Me, I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous. L.A. Times, Feb. 2001.

-- Q: Since we're on the subject of fashion, it's been a year since Jennifer Lopez wore that famous green dress to the 2000 Grammys. What will you be wearing?
A: The same thing Jennifer wore -- but made out of my own back hair. L.A. Times, Feb. 2001.

-- I will not be speaking. No one's ever done it in pantomime before. Mummenschanz all the way. Just watch out, it's going to be crazy! On how Jon will host the Grammy Awards, L.A. Times, Feb. 2001.

-- You opening up a new IHOP restaurant? I'll be there. On what jobs he'll accept if asked, Associated Press, Feb. 21, 2001.

-- I'm doing it because, quite frankly, when they blow through so many big show business names to get to you, they're so distraught you feel like you're on a suicide hot line. On why he accepted the Grammy hosting job, Associated Press, Feb. 21, 2001.

I know what I DON'T do to get ready. They've locked my hotel minibar and they won't let me in it. And I told them I just want the Toblerone candy. I don't want the little bottles of (liquor). On what he's doing to prepare for the Grammys, Associated Press, Feb. 21, 2001.

Other quotes:

-- You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream. Late Show News #215, Aug. 18, 1998.

-- Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough. Ad for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Summer 1999.

-- You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. Orange County Register, July 9, 1999.

-- All that stuff is very silly. I was in high school . . . one of the 50 most beautiful people in my German club. So I was used to that kind of attention. There was me, Klaus, Günther -- that was about it. Just the three of us. Small school. No one liked German Club. On being one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People, Movie Talk Interview, July 1999, Real Audio file still available here.

-- I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. GQ, June 1999, 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time, #60.

-- I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media." Comparing himself to Howard Stern, Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- We were on about a year-and-a-half on MTV, and eight to nine months in syndication. I think I hold the record for the longest running late night talk show in syndication, hosted by a white guy. I'm very proud. On his old MTV/Paramount show, Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long. Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- It's been tough. They still call me "Craig" -- they're very set in their ways here. On hosting The Daily Show, Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- The biggest difference is not being canceled, which is something I relish. On how his previous jobs compare with hosting The Daily Show, Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. Creative Loafing, April 1999.

-- News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on "Family Ties." I'm not afraid of that. Ultimate TV, February 2, 1999.

-- There's always anxiety when you start a new job . . . you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is. Ultimate TV, February 2, 1999.

-- I think they thought I was the caterer. On his fellow actors during filming of Playing by Heart, Toronto Sun January 31, 1999.

-- Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I guess I'd want to marry Tom Cruise, because he's much more responsible. I think Leo would play around on me. And I could never trust him on a cruise ship, obviously. You know me, I wouldn't go out with these guys unless I was going to sleep with them. I mean, if I'm putting up dinner and a movie for Leo, he'd damn well better put out. In response to question, "[W]ho would you want to sleep with, date, or even marry?" Cosmopolitan, January 1999.

-- My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward. On dating secrets, Cosmopolitan, January 1999.

-- You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis. On embarrassing dates, Cosmopolitan, January 1999.

-- Douching. There doesn't seem to be a place for it. Are you sure that product is for us? That, and trying to explain yourself when someone catches you peeing sitting down. "Look, I was tired! My legs gave out!" In answer to the question, "What's the hardest thing about being a man?" Details, January 1999.

-- I'm Switzerland: I just want to hold their money and make them chocolate. When asked his preference for Letterman or Leno, Barnes & Noble online chat, December 16, 1998.

-- I have a lot of hostility. Newsweek, September 28, 1998.

-- When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty." Newsweek, September 28, 1998.

-- The self-righteousness is embarrassing. Maybe it reflects poorly on my upbringing, but we had interns running around my house since I was a kid. On the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, Newsweek, September 28, 1998.

-- I know more about Bill Clinton's penis now than I do my own, which says something about the media or just something really sad about me. Larry King Live, February 20, 1998.

-- Here's the point -- you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? Politically Incorrect, November 7, 1997.

-- They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking. On politics, Politically Incorrect, July 24, 1997.

-- McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. Politically Incorrect, June 13, 1997

-- There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is. Politically Incorrect, June 13, 1997.

-- I would like to be taller. Or perhaps get my breasts enlarged. On plastic surgery, online chat August 12, 1994.

-- She's adorable. I'm waiting for her to get fed up with this whole English accent thing and come home to Papa. On Helena Bonham Carter, People, April 4, 1994. (Thanks to Manda of JSEB for source information.)

-- When they stop calling me "Shithead," and when they quit going, "Stop ruining everything!" then I'll know things are going along good. On hosting The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, E! Online, The Hot Spot Q&A, date unknown.